Funny Status Messages

I’ve decided to start a new category of posts for status messages.  Basically things I see that would be funny as a status message on Facebook.  Some of these I’ve used, other’s I’d like to use but for various reasons – such as I don’t want kids to see, or so as to not offend friends or family – I haven’t used.

I’ll tag them all with “status” so they’ll be easy to search.  Note that I created very few of these, most of them are statuses from friends or found on various sites  like Twitter.  Enjoy!

  • My doctor said I should stop masturbating. I asked “Why, is is harmful?”  She said “No, it’s distracting.”
  • Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My wife for instance.
  • Some people just can’t get along. For example, my wife and my girlfriend can’t ever be in the same room without screaming and fighting.
  • I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.
  • Job application at Hooters. They give you a bra and say, “Please fill this out.”
  • Don’t worry, it’s only kinky the first time.
  • Romantic films ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.
  • I hate double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she’s a slut. If a guy does it, he’s a homosexual.
  • A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men’s sexual health. Time to start hitting the gym ladies…
  • Just saw the neighbor’s kid spraying whipped cream on his cat. I’m guessing he overheard something last night he wasn’t supposed to….
  • Dear Dr Phil: I was looking at my next door neighbor’s daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was masturbating I noticed my wife just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert?
  • I’m wearing pajamas and buying vodka at 11 am on a Thursday….  No, I won’t need a receipt.
  • This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth. She’s down to the final 4.
  • You never realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
  • I want to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
  • I figured out how to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed her a shovel.
  • The stock market crash is worse than divorce.  I lost half of my assets and I still have a wife.
  • Why is divorce so expensive? It’s worth it.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Swallow, or it’s going into your eye.
  • Don’t be sexist, chicks hate that.
  • My doctor told me I’m a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
  • My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked me what was I doing.  Apparently “heating your dinner” wasn’t the right answer.
  • My wife still thinks the ‘silent treatment’ is a punishment.
  • Why is it when a woman gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs the mans penis and says good job?
  • We split the house when we got divorced. I got the outside.
  • Actually, you are not the stupidest person in the world.  But if he were to die….
  • Please believe me, offending you is the last thing I want to do. But it is on the list.
  • Don’t make fun of fat people who lisp.  They are thick and tired of it.
  • We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.  The femur is as hard as concrete.  A womans heart beats faster than a mans. A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb.
  • I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
  • If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small tits.
  • If it has tits or tires, it’s gonna cause problems.
  • I have a trophy wife, but it wasn’t for first place.
  • When a man with a lisp says bithness, he means business.
  • A rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days.
  • If not now, when? If not me, who? … Well, duh: “Later” and “Somebody else”.


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