Funny Status Messages

Posted on March 24, 2012 by Gary

I’ve decided to start a new category of posts for status messages.  Basically things I see that would be funny as a status message on Facebook.  Some of these I’ve used, other’s I’d like to use but for various reasons – such as I don’t want kids to see, or so as to not offend friends or family – I haven’t used.

I’ll tag them all with “status” so they’ll be easy to search.  Note that I created very few of these, most of them are statuses from friends or found on various sites  like Twitter.  Enjoy!

  • My doctor said I should stop masturbating. I asked “Why, is is harmful?”  She said “No, it’s distracting.”
  • Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My wife for instance.
  • Some people just can’t get along. For example, my wife and my girlfriend can’t ever be in the same room without screaming and fighting.
  • I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.
  • Job application at Hooters. They give you a bra and say, “Please fill this out.”
  • Don’t worry, it’s only kinky the first time.
  • Romantic films ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.
  • I hate double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she’s a slut. If a guy does it, he’s a homosexual.
  • A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men’s sexual health. Time to start hitting the gym ladies…
  • Just saw the neighbor’s kid spraying whipped cream on his cat. I’m guessing he overheard something last night he wasn’t supposed to….
  • Dear Dr Phil: I was looking at my next door neighbor’s daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was masturbating I noticed my wife just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert?
  • I’m wearing pajamas and buying vodka at 11 am on a Thursday….  No, I won’t need a receipt.
  • This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth. She’s down to the final 4.
  • You never realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
  • I want to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
  • I figured out how to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed her a shovel.
  • The stock market crash is worse than divorce.  I lost half of my assets and I still have a wife.
  • Why is divorce so expensive? It’s worth it.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Swallow, or it’s going into your eye.
  • Don’t be sexist, chicks hate that.
  • My doctor told me I’m a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
  • My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked me what was I doing.  Apparently “heating your dinner” wasn’t the right answer.
  • My wife still thinks the ‘silent treatment’ is a punishment.
  • Why is it when a woman gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs the mans penis and says good job?
  • We split the house when we got divorced. I got the outside.
  • Actually, you are not the stupidest person in the world.  But if he were to die….
  • Please believe me, offending you is the last thing I want to do. But it is on the list.
  • Don’t make fun of fat people who lisp.  They are thick and tired of it.
  • We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.  The femur is as hard as concrete.  A womans heart beats faster than a mans. A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb.
  • I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
  • If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small tits.
  • If it has tits or tires, it’s gonna cause problems.
  • I have a trophy wife, but it wasn’t for first place.
  • When a man with a lisp says bithness, he means business.
  • A rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days.
  • If not now, when? If not me, who? … Well, duh: “Later” and “Somebody else”.

gk

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Why blame Obama for Afghanistan?

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Gary

So I run across this story where Republicans are blaming Obama for the problems in Afghanistan.  And while I’m no fan of Obama, I have to wonder WTF these dudes are smoking?

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney and ex-senator Rick Santorum assailed the president on separate television talks shows as creating an untenable situation by setting a hard-and-fast 2014 timetable for a US withdrawal.

‘If the game plan is we’re leaving irrespective of whether we’re going to succeed or not, then why are we still there?’ asked Mr Santorum on ABC’s This Week. “Let’s either commit to winning, or let’s get out.’ The attacks from the right came as the administration was struggling to contain the fallout from a massacre of 16 villagers, many of them women and children, by a US soldier who allegedly went on a rampage March 11 in southern Afghanistan.

So both Frothy Mixture Santorum and Flip Flop Mitt are now blaming Obama for Afghanistan.  That’s like blaming Nixon for Vietnam, or Truman for WWII.  Morons.

gk

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Do as I say, not as I do.

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Gary

So it looks like the government has gotten concessions out of private banks in regards to outstanding mortgage balances. According to USA Today  the settlement requires the five leading mortgage servicers to forgive at least $10 billion in principal that homeowners owe on mortgages. That will help underwater borrowers who owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth.

But will you get relief? It depends on who owns your loan.

Some Bank of America borrowers will see their principal cut to the point where they will not be underwater.

But the settlement terms only require JPMorgan Chase, Wells Fargo and Citibank to write down mortgages to the point where borrowers’ loans are 20% more than home values, although the banks can write them down deeper.

Ally Financial, meanwhile, has settlement terms that require it to write down some first-lien home loans to no more than 5% above the home’s value.

And if you have a Fanny Mae or Freddie Mac loan?  Fugget about it!

Distressed homeowners whose loans are owned by Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae won’t benefit from the settlement at all. That’s half of all home loans.

Note that I am NOT saying there should be any mortgage loan modifications at all.  I think doing so simply prolongs the actual price discovery process and drags the housing crisis out longer. I think those who don’t make their payments should be foreclosed on, and the banks then sell the properties at market value – real market value as determined at an auction.

This is the worst of all possible outcomes, because the government sets one set of rules for itself, and another for private lenders.  This is what happens when the government gets involved with the free market – they pick winners and losers.

The market (consumers) should pick winners and losers. Bad banks and lenders go broke and disappear, while good ones – those who didn’t loan money to any warm body holding a pen – get rewarded. This mixed economy crap gives capitalism and the “free” market a bad name when neither had a damn thing to do with creating the problem.

gk

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Romney edges closer to batshit crazy

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Gary

The Republicans have certainly had their share of experience with candidates dropping off the deep end into “batshit crazy” territory.

Exhibit A was Bachmann, then Perry, then Gingrich – and Santorum has always been borderline lunatic – but for all his faults Romney at least seemed sane.

He must be getting desperate to connect to the ignorant base of the party, because today (according to CBS) he said that the “gas hike trio” (Energy Secretary Steven Chu, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, and Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa Jackson) were hired to make “energy prices go up a lot.”

I am close to putting Romney into the “batshit” category because he – along with almost every other Republican – seems to forget that gas prices were even higher back in 2008 – when Bush was president.  Here’s the chart:

I distinctly remember it, as I drove from Tennessee out west to New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, California, Utah, Colorado, etc. that summer on vacation.  We paid over $4.50 per gallon in California that summer.

As anyone can see from the chart, gas prices then plummeted as the Bush Bubble was busted, plunging the country into the worst recession since the great depression. OF COURSE gas prices came down – the price of basically everything came down at the time because the economy was fucking tanking!

Note that I am not blaming Bush for the high gas prices in 2008. I’m also not going to say Bush did a good thing by pursuing inflationary policies that caused the real estate bubble and subsequent economic crash.

Because Obama took office at the depths of the recession, of course gas prices are higher now than they were when he took office.  But so is the stock market, and I bet you won’t hear ANY Republicans talking about that.

Anyway, by saying that Obama wants high gas prices in an election year, Romney is lying his pandering ass off. For a party that is supposedly religious and moral, they sure lie a lot.

gk

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Don’t bare your underwear?

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Gary

You’d think TN government would have something better to do with their time that to legislate dress codes in schools, but I guess not.

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/mar/16/ban-on-students-showing-underwear-advances/?partner=popular

“A House subcommittee on Wednesday approved Memphis Democrat Joe Towns’ proposal that would prohibit any students from showing their underwear in the way they dress. WPLN radio (http://bit.ly/ApllST ) reported the measure would require female student athletes to wear shirts over sports bras.

Knoxville Republican Bill Dunn agreed, saying he is shocked by how some female athletes dress. The bill was sent on to the House Education Committee. It hasn’t moved in the Senate.

Dress codes have traditionally been left up to local school districts.

Towns earlier championed a “saggy pants” bill”

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Another Mitt Romney Flip-Flop

Posted on March 11, 2012 by Gary

Gail Collins had a good piece i the NY Times the other day, titled The Bad News is Good News about another Romney flip-flop.  Last week Romney said:

“The idea of presidential candidates getting into questions about contraception within a relationship between a man and a woman, husband and wife, I’m not going there.”

Except that Romney discovered that the reporter was asking about legislation that Republicans social conservatives were trying to push through, so of course he had to flip-flop to pander to the moron base.

And it turned out that Romney misspoke. He apparently didn’t realize that the subject he was proposing to steer clear of was a Republican plan to allow employers to refuse to provide health care coverage for contraception if they had moral objections to birth control.

He was definitely going there! Mittworld quickly issued a retraction making it clear that Romney totally supports the idea of getting into questions of contraception within a relationship between a man and a woman.

Really, what did you expect? If Romney couldn’t even take a clear stand on Rush Limbaugh’s Slutgate, why would he say anything that forthright unless it was a total error? This is why we can’t get the dog-on-the-car-roof story straightened out. The reporters have their hands full just figuring out Mitt’s position on the biggest controversy of the last month.

That’s the problem with Romney – he doesn’t have any core values, so he says – and does – whatever he thinks the audience wants to hear at the time.  Just like George H Bush, he doesn’t HAVE an opinion. And unless you think George “Read my lips; no new taxes” Bush was a great president, you simply cannot be a serious voter and still support Romney.

Note that I said “voter” and not “conservative” or “republican”.  I understand why conservative voters would vote for him, and I can understand why the “anybody but Obama” crowd would vote for him, but those cannot be called “serious”.  Those groups don’t care about principles, they simply want their big government (as opposed to Obama’s big government) agendas passed.

gk

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Posted on March 9, 2012 by Gary

I received an email from one of my Senators, John Duncan this evening. He’s touting his sponsorship of a “point of order” on the proposed highway bill, which “called on Congress to face fiscal reality as it considers a two-year highway reauthorization bill.”

He says he’s “against the pending highway bill for violating spending restrictions”. Hey, sounds good. I’m against the feds spending money on highways too. He even wrote an Op-Ed in the Washington Post this week:

But, (as they say) let’s examine the record….

In 2005, this same John Duncan (as US Representative) not only voted FOR the highway re-authorization bill SAFETEA-LU (Safe Accountable, Flexible and Efficient Transportation Equity Act – A Legacy for Users), he was a co-sponsor. At $286 billion it was the “largest public works bill in U.S. history.”

So according to Corker, it’s fine to sponsor and vote for a $286 billion highway bill under Budget Busting Bush, but the current $109 billion highway bill “spends more than we can afford”.

This is the kind of partisan stupidity that got us into the current debt crisis – and yes, I do consider it a crisis, and I’ve been saying it for years. This asshole voted for the moronic Bush policies that got us here, but now he suddenly found budgetary religion when it’s a moronic Obama policy.

Just like almost all of the others in congress, Senator Corker is a two-faced, lying, hypocritical asshole. He is pandering to his lemming base for personal political gain. Fire them all.

gk

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Santorum makes me want to throw up

Posted on February 26, 2012 by Gary

So I’m reading the headlines this afternoon, and I see where Santorum is now saying that JFK’s speech (I’m quoting from the WSJ story) “makes me throw up”. For the record, Santorum is referring to a speech JFK made on Sept 12, 1960.

Just what did JFK say that made Santorum puke? Here it is:

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute–where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote–where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference–and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the President who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.

I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish–where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source–where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials–and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all.

I don’t see a problem here – does anyone else? Seems to me that JFK said that no particular religion can dictate policy, and that the instant any religion does, it is an attack against all religions.

But it totally freaked out Santorum.  In response he said:

“To say that people of faith have no role in the public square — you bet that makes you throw up,” Mr. Santorum said. “What kind of country do we live in that says only people of nonfaith can come in the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up, and it should be make every American — you were seeing from a president someone who is now trying to tell people of faith that you will do what the government says; we are going to impose our values on you; not that you can’t come into the public square and argue against it, but now we’re going to turn around and say we’re going to impose our values from the government on people of faith which, of course, is the next logical step when people of faith — at least according to John Kennedy — have no role in the public square.”

Santorum also said: “I don’t believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute. The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country.”

WTF is this moron smoking? Is he with Gingrich where he thinks he can disregard court decisions that he doesn’t agree with? This asshole is in the lead for the Republican nomination for president?

Wow.

gk

 

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Buffett’s view on gold

Posted on February 25, 2012 by Gary

I posted this last April, as I heard lot’s of people taking about a bubble in gold, and how gold “doesn’t provide a dividend” and how gold “doesn’t make a profit”.   After reading Warren Buffett’s annual letter to Berkshire Hathaway shareholders today, I felt compelled to update the numbers, as Buffett dissed gold pretty bad.

Buffett talked a bit about the dysfunctional dollar (which I fully agree with him on) saying:  Even in the U.S., where the wish for a stable currency is strong, the dollar has fallen a staggering 86% in value since 1965, when I took over management of Berkshire. It takes no less than $7 today to buy what $1 did at that time. Consequently, a tax-free institution would have needed 4.3% interest annually from bond investments over that period to simply maintain its purchasing power.

After that, Buffett went on to give his opinion as to why gold sucked, saying:  Gold, however,has two significant shortcomings, being neither of much use nor procreative. True, gold has some industrial and decorative utility, but the demand for these purposes is both limited and incapable of soaking up new production. Meanwhile, if you own one ounce of gold for an eternity, you will still own one ounce at its end.

That’s exactly the point.  It won’t go anywhere, it won’t rust away, and no one can inflate the value of it away. It’s a store of value – although it’s done pretty damn well as an investment as well.

Buffett likes to use 1965 as his starting point, because that’s when he started Berkshire Hathaway. No problem with that, but the price of gold was fixed until 1971, so to compare gold to “investment x” starting in 1965 is giving “investment x” a 6 year head start.

Gold was worth $35/oz in 1938, it was worth $35/oz in 1965, and it was worth $35/oz in 1971. Then Nixon fucked us all by uncoupling the dollar from the gold standard.  So that’s the ONLY proper starting point for ANY discussion about gold prices or the appreciation of gold as an asset. Before 1971, by law, it could not change value – at least in the US.

So, as they say, let’s look at the record….

Here’s what I posted in April, 2011:

Just forty years ago in 1971, one ounce of gold would buy 35 US dollars.   Twenty years ago in 1991, one ounce of gold could be exchanged for 350 US dollars.   Today, that same ounce of gold will buy you more than 1500 US dollars.  $1508 to be exact.

From $35 to $1500 in forty years.  That’s what inflation does.   It’s easy to demonstrate that this is a monetary phenomenon, not simply a spike in the price of gold, because other commodities have also gone way up in price since Nixon removed us from the gold standard (then tried wage and price controls to “fix” the problem that he caused) – although other commodities didn’t increase to the same extent. A few examples:

1971 2011 % Change
Gold (oz) $35 $1,508 4308.57%
Silver (oz) $1.55 $47.25 3048.39%
Wheat (Bu) $1.34 $9.32 695.52%
Soybeans (Bu) $3.03 $13.82 456.11%
Copper (lb) $0.51 $4.37 856.86%
Aluminum (lb) $0.26 $1.19 457.69%
Oil (barrel) $3.60 $112.00 3111.11%
DJIA 890 12,505 1405.06%
S&P 500 94 1,337 1418.57%
Official CPI (US Dollar) $1.00 $5.52 552.00%
Money Supply (Billions) $684 $8,980 1313.37%

Those prices are from April, 2011. Here’s the same chart updated with Feb, 2012 price information:

1971 2/25/2012 % Change
Gold (oz) $35 $1,772 5062.86%
Silver (oz) $1.55 $35.35 2280.65%
Wheat (Bu) $1.34 $6.40 477.61%
Soybeans (Bu) $3.03 $12.51 412.87%
Copper (lb) $0.51 $3.83 750.98%
Aluminum (lb) $0.26 $1.02 392.31%
Oil (barrel) $3.60 $109.62 3045.00%
DJIA 890 12,982 1458.65%
S&P 500 94 1,365 1452.13%
Official CPI (US Dollar) $1.00 $5.60 560.00%
Money Supply (Billions, official M2 Fed numbers) $684 $9,766 1427.78%

As anyone can see, while the exact percentages have changed, the general trend continues. And even though silver has dropped over the past year, it still beats the DJIA and S&P500 since 1971. And absolutely nothing beats gold as a long term store of value.  Nothing.

Sorry Mr Buffett, I do not doubt your investing acumen,  your long term record in business is excellent, and I do not for a second doubt that people will still be buying Coca-Cola in 2112.  But just look at how much better your returns would have been if you wouldn’t have enriched all those brokers with your billions of dollars worth of transactions since 1971. You, and your investors – would be much richer today had you simply put everything into physical gold.

No, I am NOT suggesting that for anyone. Hell, I don’t have hardly any physical gold – but I wish I did. I’ve bought some silver over over the years, and I wish I had more, but facts are facts. Buffett is wrong on gold.

Gold could lose 50% of its’ current value and still be 1000% ahead of the stock market (total return) since 1971.

Got gold?

gk

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Worst. President. Ever.

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Gary

Just a quick Worst. President. Ever. update. Today we’re looking at the debt competition category.  (All data is from http://www.savingsbonds.gov/NP/BPDLogin?application=np)

Total debt, last day before Bush’s first budget, 9/30/2001 – $5,807,463,412,200.06
Total debt, last day before Obama’s first budget, 9/30/2009 – $11,909,829,003,511.70

Total debt as of yesterday evening, 1/17/2011 – $15,236,288,061,558.65
Bush total debt increase – $6,102,365,591,311.64 (105% increase in 8 years)
Obama debt increase – $3,326,459,058,046.90 (28% increase in 2 1/2 years)

Don’t get me wrong, Obama is increasing debt at a faster initial rate than Bush did in his first 3 years (Bush was at 27% after 3 full years on 9/30/2004), so Obama is closing in fast, but the numbers don’t lie. Bush is still the all time budget busting champ. Worst. President. Ever.

gk

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